I used to occasionally get paid for thinking about the future, and this whole #Calexit thing has tickled my fancy. So I decided to dust off those arcane skills and have a go at the old crystal ball. Here’s what I’m thinking.
NOVEMBER 2016 – Dissatisfied with the results of the election, many Californians begin a movement to break off from the United States.
MARCH 2017 – The initiative to secede appears on the primary ballot and passes. Succession is to take place within the year.
JUNE 2017 – The northern part of the former California decides that they have never been properly represented by the urban south, and vote to break off and go back to the United States.
AUGUST 2017 – In their first election, the new nation tries to decide their name, whether or not to have an army, what the flag and national anthem should be, and if Aaron Sorkin should write their new constitution. There are so many initiatives on the new ballot that voting takes two hours per person.
SEPTEMBER 2017 – Election finishes and results that come in at the month’s end are inconclusive. Everyone wants to do their own thing, man. The new nation immediately splits into 37 sub-nations, known collectively as, um, The Collective.
OCTOBER 2017 – Hillary Clinton invited to be the first Presydent of The Collective.
DECEMBER 2017 – The Winter Solstice is chosen as the first day of the Presydential Term and the beginning of the new nation. The party begins!
FEBRUARY 2018 – The party finally winds down.
MARCH 2018 – The last of the hangovers finally clear, in time for the first anniversary of the birth of The Collective. The party begins again.
APRIL 2018 – Fryncysco declares itself the world’s first micro-aggression free zone.
JULY 2018 – President Trump cancels the wall between the former California and Mexico and extends it between Arizona and The Collective and Upper California and The Collective.
AUGUST 2018 – In their second election, The Collective legalizes objectophilia. Toastersexuals from around the world rejoice and flock to The Collective.
DECEMBER 2018 – The first anniversary of The Collective. Party!
MARCH 2019 – As hangovers clear, the next election declares December a holiday month and January a work-option month for recovery.
MAY 2019 – Presydent Clinton’s progressive Parkinson’s disease makes it difficult for her to rule. Her brain is transplanted into a new body grown from fetal stem cells. The new Presydent immediately receives more than 6,000 marriage proposals, even some from toastersexuals.
JULY 2019 – The last taxable business in The Collective goes under. In an emergency election that lasts through August, The Collective votes to become The Commune. It’s a groovy thing.
SEPTEMBER 2019 – Incessant partying has driven the price of legal weed up to $120 a joint. Protesters take to the streets. Presydent Clinton assures them that everything will be cool, and they all go home.
NOVEMBER 2019 – A Chinese submarine lands a small scouting party of troops on a beach near Los Angylys. After 48 hours of reconnaissance they return to the sub and nothing further is heard from China.
JANUARY 2020 – Democrats in the U.S. invite Michelle Obama to come back from The Commune and run for President. She considers it.
FEBRUARY 2020 – Texas considers succession if Michelle Obama becomes President. They look at how The Commune turned out and change their minds.
MARCH 2020 – Michelle Obama turns the Democrats down. Her new body is still in the growth chamber.
APRIL 2020 – U.S. Border Patrol guards along The Commune wall report it’s been awfully quiet in there.
MAY 5, 2020 – Mexico annexes The Commune.